I can’t believe I missed this when it first came out. (Thanks to the reader who e-mailed me the link… I can’t remember your name, but I will never forget your groin pic.) Prison rape is a longstanding tradition in this country. I’d place it in the same column as college hazing and buying your friend a fat, drunk, hairy hooker for his birthday, telling him she’s into blindfolds, and taking video. However, it seems the party is over. The feds have finally realized that all buttsex is not consensual, and are now trying to pretend they knew what was funny about dropping-the-soap jokes all along.
Now we have a National Prison Rape Elimination Commission. These guys have poured tens of hundreds of dollars into figuring out that skinny, young twinks and women get raped. They want wardens to identify the rape-able specimens and to do something when rapes occur. I mean, other than the hearty guffaws that previous rape policies required. Also, because more rapes are committed by prison employees than inmates, they recommend complete video surveillance, so the wardens can jerk off in their booths instead of having to go all the way down the hall for some no-means-yes dumper pumping.
Are you fucking kidding me? You’re telling me that they’re going to call all the “at risk” inmates together, inform them that they’re cockbait, and then send them back out into the populace with a sign around their neck that says, “Please rob me of my anal virginity”? Why not put them somewhere else, away from the rapists? Oh, wait. We did that with women, and the wardens just stepped in to fill the void.
What the fuck is so hard about identifying rapists? We have psychological tests that can tell you if you’re schizophrenic in thirty seconds or your money back, and we can’t figure out who has the suppressed rage and physical means of intimidation to execute a sexual assault? My guess is that there are fewer rapists in prison than victims. Pull them out. Pull the rapist wardens. And then build all-rape prisons where problem inmates and sadistic wardens clash in a taser-whipping, sphincter-tearing spectacle. Make it a reality show. Butthole Bloodhouse: Who will wind up on top? Just make sure the cameramen are wearing these.
You know, we could just chemically castrate the entire population, and outfit them with steel ass-shields to head off prison fist-rape at the pass. Then we could keep them all in their goddamned cells so they don’t have the opportunity to hurt more than one person. At least that would narrow down the suspect pool. And when someone does assault someone else, we could isolate him and heap on some punishment. Not adding years to the sentence. Most of the long-term inmates couldn’t give two shits. Take away their toilet seat, or their cigarettes. Or the soft middle part of the bread, so they have to eat just the crust, which we all know is the ass of the bread.
Oh, wait. That would make prison some kind of punishment. Silly me, I forgot that they have basic cable and libraries and conjugal visits (in six states). They make phone calls pretty much whenever they want, go outside every day, and get meals that taste good. They have their own little stores where they can get Jolly Ranchers, headphones and Centrum Silver. And if they’re really good, they get to go home early. It’s like boarding school, but better, because instead of missing out on childhood, they’re missing out on adulthood, which we all know is the ass of life.
All I’m saying is that the bad guys should be punished, not given a break from reality with summer camp perks. And if they fuck up while they’re already in prison, it should just get worse and worse until they beg for the sweet embrace of death. Then they can sign a waver, allowing us to kick them in the balls until they’re sneezing sperm. I’m not sure if that would actually kill them, but I’m pretty sure that the ensuing hemorrhage would eventually do the trick. Then the tight, violet asshole of that pretty emo kid who downloaded songs off the Internet wouldn’t seem so enticing. End to prison rape. That is, if you want to end prison rape. And I don’t. Fuck those guys.
